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October 31, 2012

I Won A Major Award!

My first real major award! And I won it! I've been trying to win the "guess the pumpkin weight" contest at our feed store for years and this was my year! Finally!

My major award. A tribute to my mind power.

Every time I'd go into the feed store I'd take yet another slip of paper, write down my name, and guess another weight. I was bound and determined and spent a lot of time analyzing that big pumpkin in the window. I'd covered all my angles and included every contingency, including that they had soaked it with water to make it heavier. Every variable was considered.

So you can imagine my surprise when I walked into the feed store and all of them behind the counter took one look at me and started laughing. Not snickering, full blown laughter. This isn't altogether unusual. Everyone has their own fashion style and mine tends to be "just out of the barn and unfit for anyone to see" and sometimes I really hit it out of the park, if you know what I mean.

Finally the feed store owner stopped guffawing long enough to say that I was this year's first runner up to the big pumpkin contest. Now runner up is pretty good and its as close as I've ever been to pumpkin victory. I was pleased and allowed The Big Man to bask in the light of my achievement while I stood and received well wishes from the unwinning rabble.

They told me that if Fred, the actual winner - altho there is some suspicion surrounding his "win", didn't want the big pumpkin then I could have it. And I would be crowned the big winner.

I drove right down as soon as they called to say that Fred had passed on the prize. Turns out that son-of- a-golly-what is a pumpkin grower. I believe his professional status should have eliminated him right off the bat.  Harrumph.

Anyway.

There it was in the window for everyone to see, glowing with unparallelled glory. My big pumpkin.

I ran right inside the feed store. Predictably they all started laughing. This time it was because of what I was wearing.

"What?!" I demanded, "Look I figured I'd come here right after chores. Its just a little pig mud, like you've never seen that before."  More laughter.

"Look. Just give me my damn pumpkin."  I marched over to where it was still in the window.

The owner walked over and picked up my big pumpkin so he could carry all 43.5 pounds of pumpkin joy out to my truck. "So, whatcha gonnna do with your big pumpkin?" He asked.

"Well I'm gonna use it as God intended." I explained.  "I'm gonna throw it to the pigs!"

He nearly dropped it.

"WHAT?" Came the chorus from behind the counter. They were all all looking at me like I was out of my mind. Then they gave me disappointed looks because I wasn't going to make it into a jack-o-lantern or a pie or something. Really the only thing a big pumpkin like that is good for, being all tough and stringy, is a snack for the pigz.

I drove away from their sad faces.

When I got home I ran to get my axe and I slew that great pumpkin and threw its ruined carcass into the pig yard. My victory was complete.

So there you go. I'm going to spend today making myself a big crown and refer to myself as "The Pumpkin Winner." I hope to do good during my reign. Maybe I'll get to be in a parade or something.  And I'm going to start practicing for next year. The only thing better than winning the pumpkin contest...is winning two years in a row. Whoot!

Happy Wednesday everyone! Anyone else win the big pumpkin?