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January 28, 2012

Why we aren't welcome at the LensmakerMart anymore

We had to go and get The Big Man glasses yesterday. It didn't go exactly as planned. We may very well never be allowed back to the LenzmakerMart. I can't tell if they just don't have a sense of humor there …..or if maybe we don't get “off farm” enough to be around decent folks. But you know how we are.

So my husband had to go renew his drivers license down at the DMV. Everything was going great until the learned government employee behind the counter failed him on the vision check.  The way that guy was going on about giving my husband a daytime restriction for glasses and such you'd a thought he was blind as a bat. So we ran right down to the biggest small town and signed up for the exam at the local eye doc. Afterward she declared The Big Man's vision to be 20/30.

Are you kidding me? Just so's ya know – my vision is like 20/200 in my good eye. Yes. I need a daytime restriction but him? Really? The doc even said that they should have passed TBM but the DMV guys are notoriously jerks and they have their machine set badly. I admit that after shelling out $75 to find out the government employees are jerks kinda put me in a bad mood. So we probably shouldn't have taken it out on the good folks at the LenzmakerMart. But they may have had it coming.

Not having had lunch yet, and having a bad attitude, I marched into the closest LenzmakerMart, glasses prescription in hand, and demanded the "least dorky glasses at the cheapest possible price for that guy” (*pointing at TBM*).  We were kindly directed to the cheap wall of frames.

Finding glasses frames for TBM turned out to be a challenge because he does in fact have a head that resembles a giant pumpkin.  The situation was ripe for hilarity and we very nearly peed our pants laughing at the bad options.

At one point I turned around and yelled... I mean... asked the LenzmakerMart gal for “the MOST dorky glasses.” She didn't think any of her inventory was “dorky.” Until TBM turned around wearing the old man/Uncle Stanley huge plastic rimmed frames. We were hanging off each other with laughter. Some folks who started to walk into the shop turned around and walked back out. The LenzmakerMart gal glared at us. We couldn't help ourselves and kept laughing.

Eventually we found a suitable option and I have to admit TBM looks rather fetching in his new specs. But before we could return to the safety of our farm we had to go thru one last ordeal. They sat us down and fired up the Opti-Tron 9000. TBM needed an eye scan so they could make the lenses for the new frames.

In my defense I gotta say that gal really needs to lighten up and find some joy in life. She was kind of dour. So I shouldn't have expected much when I told her my concerns that their new fangled eye scanner Opti-Tron 9000 thingy was really part of a vast government conspiracy to track and catalog us good citizens with retinal scans.


I thought it was kinda funny And its not like I said “rectal” scans which is what I almost said....


She was also mad because I wouldn't let her upsell us on all the upgrades that don't come with the stated price for the lenses. Not even the $30 “One Year Limited Guarantee.”  With a tone that you'd expect from a jaded school marm she said “not to come crying to her if we needed them replaced in a year.”

I kindly told her I'd be happy to stand there and let her give me the “told you so” if it came to it. She and I glared at each other. The Big Man squirmed uncomfortably briefly before he snatched me up by the hand and thanked our helpful sales gal...and then drug me quickly to the food-o-rama to improve my attitude with french fries and ice cream. 

It worked and pretty soon we were laughing about how hopefully he'd get his license renewed next week without incident. Or maybe by the time it was done with he'd end up not only with glasses for his “failing” eyesight, but also a hearing aide, a cane, and orthopedic shoes. For heavens sakes.

So now we're sitting here watching TV - both of us with our glasses.  But of course I can't just let it go so from time to time I gotta call him  "Four Eyes."  Or as one of all y'all suggested, Urkel.

I'm a fine one to talk since I've had glasses since I was a teen. Of course I've never felt bad about it. And aside from when the dog ate my $600 reading glasses I've never needed the $30 year guarantee.  That poor gal at the LenzmakerMart is just gonna have to bide her time to give us that “told ya so.”

So that's the long and short of it. You can't take us anywhere, I guess. But least we can laugh about it.

Happy Saturday everyone! Anyone else head into town lately?